June 25th!

I felt the need to write down the way June 25th 2009 happened for me :(

I was at home still buzzing over the fact that finally on the 24th June yes the day before I had finally managed to get my hands on some tickets for Michaels tour!! Oh my God the world knew about it, and after the disappointment of not being able to get any in March, I was on top of the world! I was finally seeing my Idol in Concert doing what he did better then anyone else, Seeing that Magic happen in person was my only dream!! I swore i would not be able to sleep till opening night ha ha!! Seems I now cant sleep due to something completely different!! :(
Any way back to that awful night, my friend phoned about half ten at night and i thought God bit late bet she is drunk and wants to chat, because I was about to go to bed I decided to turn my phone off!! I went up to bed and suddenly remembered I had not set my Alarm so I turned my phone on to set my alarm when a txt came through from the same friend saying "hope you are ok" I though that was quite Random, why would i not be ok...... I had just got my tickets! Then it all became clear when another 10 or so txts following that one came through saying the same kind off thing. Things along the line off "Im really sorry to hear the news" "Thinking off you" etc etc, I was so confused and then the dreaded message that made me understand came through saying! "I cant believe Michael is dead" This to be honest didnt register with me, I was just like What the hell is going on????
I didnt have the internet at the time so I turned the TV on and there it was all over the news, on every channel. I could not believe my eyes, I didnt want to believe what I was seeing!! I just stared at the TV frozen, not able to move or even take in what was going on! I felt sick to my stomach! A feeling I have never felt before, I knew I had to go and wake my mum up, this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do EVER! I walked into my mums room and turned the light on, she looked at me as if to say turn the bastard light off. I remember so clearly what I said! I sat on the bed and said "Mum brace yourself, I have some awful news" She just looked at me "Michaels died" I have never seen her shoot out of bed quicker! She pretty much screamed at me WHAT!!!!! So we went downstairs and put the TV on, we just sat there in shock not able to say anything to each other just staring at the TV screen! At this point it had not been confirmed, it was not official and I remember my mum looking at me saying!! "Nothings been confirmed sweetie, Nothing is definite, Its more the likely just the press making a mountain out of a mole hill like they always do" I knew she was trying to convince herself as much as me!! Then the news started saying it had been confirmed Michael had gone, The tears started falling, I held my mums hand and just wished and wished this was not true, I have never wished for something so hard in all my life!!
Next thing they are showing Michaels iconic videos from Thriller to Billie Jean I wanted to scream at them to stop, I didnt want tributes I still refused to believe it, there had been no conformation from the family or a doctor or anyone that would no for sure! Then my worst nightmare came true Jermaine gave the statement :( I dont think I will ever get over hearing those words!! I stayed up till about 4am with my mum crying and just feeling an unbelievable sense off loss loss like I have never felt before!! Then my body finally gave up and I had to sleep, to be honest I cant remember if I slept that night or not, its a bit of a blur!
I know the tears did not stop flowing and i have come to realise that 9 months down the line they have still not stopped flowing!!! I will never come to terms with this I just need to find a way to deal with it!! I love you Michael xxxx

Missing you!!

I struggle to find any words to explain how much I miss you, I dont think I will ever be able to describe the feeling of pain on that day when u left us! It is virtually impossible to try and make people understand why you meant so much to me, and to be honest I dont want to make people understand. I just say I love you and now I miss you..... If they dont get that then I dont care to me it is very simple!
I sometimes feel very selfish for missing you the amount i do, you have three children who must be in so much pain without you and I cant even imagine how much they are hurting without you by there side! I just hope they feel great comfort knowing they were the reason you had that beautiful smile on your face for so many years! I joined a group on facebook the other day called "the world is a scary place without Michael Jackson in it" and do you know what it is so true! The world without you in it is just wrong, we need you! I need you! I sometimes tell myself your happy now, you are free from pain and are at peace, but what sometimes makes me angry is you should have had that hear on earth, you should not have had to of left us to have got that peace! Its not fair, I hope in some way where ever you are right now know how much I love and miss you!! I dont think the pain will ever go away! I really truly hope you are happy Michael and I hope to see you again!! :(

Michael!!

Where do i start, how do I even begin to start talking about the man who will forever be my hero, my Idol, my inspiration my everything????
To even begin talking and writing about Michael I need to go back to the beginning, to when I was a little girl and did not really understand anything about this man, before I knew what a wonderful human being he was, all i knew was that man he could dance and as a little girl that was all i took in.
To be honest I do not remember very much about why I took to Michael the way I did! I suppose my mum is the main reason, she was always playing his music and attempting and failing at the moonwalk ha ha! She never forced Michael on to me, I was not made to Love Michael the way I do, its just he was always there always around in our house! He was never not around. A few things I recall and have been told about it when I was younger my mum would ask me what I wanted in my sandwiches and i used to always reply "JAM" you know in that sexy gravely voice Michael uses to sing that song ha ha. Ok so I didnt sound Sexy saying it but i still tried to do it the way Michael did it and even funnier I never used to eat my sandwiches because i didnt like "JAM" I just asked for it because i presumed Michael liked it because he sang about it ha ha!! Gotta love the way Children react to things! I am guessing from then on my Love grew and grew, although gotta be honest there was a time when I thought my Love was going to end for Michael. When you may ask???? Thriller, yes thats right Thriller the video scared the living crap out of me when I was younger, I did not like Michael as a warewolf, but we go over that hiccup and mum explained to me that it was just amazing make up ha ha!! So thats how the obsession began!!